Several weeks ago I was preparing to make a video to send to the granddaughter I refer to online as Faith. She lives far away (Texas vs our Indiana residence), so I have made several videos of me reading some of my favorite children’s books to her. I then sent the books and the recordings to her. This way she’ll recognize me when I visit. I never want to be a stranger to her.
I was setting up after a meeting, so there were several people around me. One of them was a man who asked if I was holding a selfie stick. I laughed and admitted that it certainly was that, though I use it as a tripod for my camera. I then explained about the videos for Faith. He gave me a look and said, “You need to give grandma lessons.” He went on to say he thought I was a much better grandma than his own mom.
I contend he was joking. He insists he wasn’t. Either way, I laughed at his compliment. After all, who am I to give grandma lessons, and who would admit to needing them?
It did get me thinking, though. If I were to give advice about being a good grandma, what would it be? I’ve had lots of practice. I’ve been a grandma for 11 years, even though our first official grandchild was just born in May 2022. You see, we have sweet friends who allow us to function as Grandma and Grandpa to their children. I’ve talked about them before. Online we call them Song (11), Glow (8), and Zeal (5).
For a while we joked that we’d replaced our son with these friends. After all, he lived far away and had not given us grandchildren. They were nearby and had blessed us with wonderful grandchildren. When people became offended on our son’s behalf, he pointed out that we absolutely love him, and this was giving us practice at being grandparents.
I’ve given the idea some thought. While you haven’t asked for advice, I’ve decided to share some here anyway.
One of the first decisions we made as honorary grandparents was that we would reinforce the lessons Mom and Dad are working on with the kids. We are big believers that parents are the ones in charge. This was especially true with our honorary grandchildren. We only have a relationship with these little ones because their parents allow it. And, while there may be some legal recourse if you’re a biological grandparent, it’s basically true for official grandchildren as well. When Mom and Dad insist that a please and a thank you are required, they are required by Grandma and Grandpa, too. If Mom and Dad insist on no sugary treats, we get approval for anything we’re thinking of giving the little ones. When you back up the parents, it reminds kids who is in charge. Even at my own house, when it comes to the children, that’s Mom and Dad.
I know that sometimes young parents can be unreasonable in the eyes of grandparents. I know grandparents who have been given multi-page instructions when their grandchildren have spent the night. I know it can be frustrating when you disagree with the parenting decisions of your own children. So far, that hasn’t been an issue for our honorary grandchildren or for our official grandchild. But as long as the decisions don’t put the children in danger, they are the adults in charge.
Pay close attention to the little ones. One of the things I’ve heard children say about the difference between parents and grandparents is that grandparents have time to listen. That’s generally true. Mom and Dad are busy with everyday life. They are raising children in the midst of keeping a home, building a career, and such. Plus, they have to make sure the little ones are doing their homework, eating all the right things, and generally growing up healthy and strong. Grandparents? Well, when the grandkids come to visit Grandma and Grandpa, they’re the center of attention. It’s a special time. Make sure you’re doing things that engage the little ones. Read to them. Talk to them about the movie you’re watching together. Play outside with them. We live near a rails-to-trails hiking and biking trail. Weather permitting, we take the kids on a 1½- to 2-mile walk. During that time, we listen to them. We talk to them. We get silly with them.
Make memories together. One of the things we have done with the honorary grandchildren is make their birthday gifts outings with Grandma and Grandpa. This started at age four with a trip to the zoo. It’s just that child, Grandma, and Grandpa. We spend the whole day together. The birthday child chooses what to eat. They spend the night, no siblings, and get to choose what we watch and what we do. Every year after age four, they let us know where they’d like to go and what they’d like to do. Last year we had one trip to a zoo with a dolphin show and two trips to the beach to build sandcastles. This will be more difficult with Faith down in Texas. We’ll have to see what we can work out with her. Toys wear out. Memories last.
Make sure they know you. As I mentioned, I’ve been making videos for Faith. I’m told she enjoys them. As she gets older, I expect to do regular video calls with her. However we work it out, I will not be a stranger. When we visit, I want her to recognize me and be ready to play. I would hate for her to just start warming up to us as we have to leave. But, also, be sure to tell them stories about you growing up. Tell them what you like and who you are. These will be more precious memories when they grow up. Our grandkids are amazed that cell phones didn’t exist when we were their age. They have difficulty believing that there were no such things as DVDs, streaming services, home computers, or video games. They are shocked that there weren’t car seats and that seatbelts were optional.
Give them photo books. This is an idea I got from a friend. He and his wife have some grandkids who live far away. He said that when the kids come to Grandma and Grandpa’s house, they take lots of pictures. Before the kids go back to Mom and Dad, he prints the pics and puts them into those little brag book photo albums. Each child gets every picture that includes them. Some pics are in all of the books, because all of the kids are in them. Other pictures are only in one book because it’s a pic of just one child. Since Song, Glow, and Zeal are at our house pretty much weekly, their books currently reside at our house. Each has his or her own photo book. I add to them periodically. They love looking at the pics of themselves and remembering the fun we’ve had.
Spend time one-on-one. When Glow was potty training, she was a bit stubborn. She was perfectly capable of using the potty but routinely chose, after several days without incident, to go wherever she happened to be. Her mom and I talked about what she could be offered as an incentive. We came up with the idea of my taking her older sister with me to the grocery store. You see, you have to be potty trained to go with Grandma to the store. Grocery shopping Grandma doesn’t have time to stop and mess with diapers. It didn’t take long for Glow to decide that using the potty all the time was worth it to get a trip alone with Grandma, especially when it included a treat to eat on the way home. The next year it was Zeal’s turn. Taking Song and then Glow grocery shopping soon showed him the advantage of using the potty. When the weather turns cold and snowy in Indiana, we suspend the grocery shopping trips. It’s all Grandma can do to get herself in and out of stores that time of year. But I have to tell you something. I miss those one-on-one trips. I learn a lot about each of them. They’re so different. So, even though there’s no longer anyone needing a potty-training incentive, I’ll soon be starting the grocery shopping trips with Grandma again. It’s my plan, once Faith is a little older, to plan grandparent outings with Faith when we visit. And when Faith has brothers and/or sisters, we’ll do individual ones with each of them. That individualized attention is important.
I wrote earlier about the importance of reinforcing Mom and Dad’s rules. It’s also important to make sure gifts meet Mom and Dad’s approval. No animals without an OK from Mom and Dad. No noisy toys without approval. No books that go against the parents’ political positions or religious beliefs. No matter how much you disagree with Mom and Dad, never undermine them with the children. It does a disservice to the children as well as their parents.
Those are the suggestions that came to my mind. If you can think of anything to add, I’d be happy to hear it. Just leave me a comment.
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